The Black Order

[Anonymous]

Ever since last summer, I have been writing a fantasy novel. Although I have had some input from family and friends, it really hasn't been that helpfull. I was wondering wether I should post a bit of it here and see what you think.

[Anonymous]

ill check it out

[Anonymous]

Please do.

[Anonymous]

Yea, do it. I love fantasy .

[Anonymous]

Yeah...the name The Black Order sounds really intriguing...post a bit here...we'll give you some ideas.

[Anonymous]

okie dokie, just so you know, the first bit is really sketchy so just look at it for the story rather than quality of writing, I really need to revise it.

[Anonymous]

Wrong Religion

Prologue

The day was clear and the dawn was fresh. Calicar sat up and surveyed the horizon, which was pale with a thin line of orange light signifying the break of dawn. He saw the sentry on duty having a conversation with the scout, Ed. He shrugged of his blanket and strolled over to them and enjoyed the feel of soft dew on the grass. When he reached them he gave a small cough to let them know that their captain had arrived. Both looked up and stood to immediate attention. Calicar waved off the salute and told them to return to their seats. They did so and Calicar moved on to see if the men had begun the breakfast.

   It turned out that they had and soon his stomach stopped rumbling. They had nine miles ahead of them today and his employer was an impatient man and he was expecting to be able to move into his house tomorrow and a luggage train moves very slowly in the country they were going to traverse. As always when they were about to set off Calicar went over the luggage. It was mainly worthless furniture and war mementos with a few of the cloth chests which nobles carry around everywhere, but there was one item which Calicar thought might be worth a considerable amount seeming as it was hidden from the rest of the people on the baggage train and it needed thirty armed men guarding it.

Calicar was the only man on the trip who even knew it was being transported and where it was although even he did not know what it was or even what it looked like. All he knew was that it was under the third carriage from the front and it was wrapped in a black satin cloth. There were two other dummy chests in two of the other wagons, which made an attack almost a certainty or at least the owner of the train though so. He had been told that no matter what happened, if Calicar was alive he had to get the cloth and its contents to Feureth. He made sure the entire luggage was secure and accounted for, and then he went to the front wagon and told the driver to get the train moving. The man gave a shout and the horses began to trudge along the beaten path. Calicar then went to his steel dust and swung himself into the saddle and pulled the horse round to walk down the line of wagons.

   He rode past four wagons before he found Jon and Ed who were playing dice on a tree trunk. He scattered the dice and cuffed the nearest one over the head.

   “What the hell are you doing? Can’t you see the wagons? If you hadn’t noticed, they are moving. And if they are moving, then who is scouting ahead to see if anyone might want to ambush us? You two are, but then you are here and they are over there. Are you a rearguard? No? Then get up and do what I pay you for and scout!” Both men tried to get apologies out but Calicar had already turned and gone to check on the men. Both of them scrambled over to their horses and hastily got into the saddles and rode hard off to get ahead of the wagons.

[Anonymous]

What time is this? (like in years)


Im a bit curious about the thing under the satin cloth now .

[Anonymous]

It is set sort of the 1200's I think, but in a different land, as you can see. Ah, what the hell I will post a bit more. I do have qiute a bit more left.

[Anonymous]

Calicar watched as the two men sped past him and smiled to himself. They were good scouts but they never seemed to realise that they had to get moving before he told the lead wagon to start moving. He hoped that by making them feel ashamed every morning they might begin to learn. Calicar reached down and unclasped his water canteen from his belt; he took a small sip and screwed the lid back on. The water was getting slightly stale and he would have to replace it soon. He recalled that there was a water hole halfway between Lythor and Feureth, which was about two or three miles from here.

   Jon and Ed would be back in an hour to give a report and he would see if they had found the waterhole. He rode back to the rearguard and made sure that all of them were in a good mood, and told them about the water hole a few miles on and the prospective break there. This seemed to make the men more relaxed because even they realised thirty men was a lot for just a mans’ possessions so they all expected an attack, this fear would have been heightened by Calicar’s use of scouts had he not used scouts on every assignment he had taken.

   He then went to each man driving a wagon for if they did come under attack they would probably be the first to die as the wagon held all of the plunder. They seemed to be pretty relaxed and Calicar was thankful that they were not skittish or uneasy. They should arrive at Feureth by dusk if nothing went wrong. His main worry was that a wagon might break a wheel or get a wheel stuck in one of the many rivets and puddles of mud that littered the road.

   He dismounted and went back down the carriages, making sure all his men were in their correct places. It was coming up to an hour since Jon and Ed had gone and Calicar hoped that they had found the water as he was getting thirsty and he did not want to drink the aging water in his canteen. As he looked over his men he felt uneasy, as though he was being watched. He loosened his sabre in its scabbard and almost fell when it got caught up in his cloak. He hated this stupid cloak, but as an officer he had his duties and he was a man who did his duties. He had never been quite sure why the Hodrun command had made him an officer. He was good with the men and he was well liked but he was not a born leader and he always wanted to just sit down and relax as he saw his men do every evening when they stopped but he had responsibilities and he saw to them in the correct fashion as an officer should. He looked at the sky and felt his unease grow when he noticed that it was now a quarter hour after the time Jon and Ed should have been back. He tried to let it go as they usually were late as they always managed to find a stag or hare, or they could have found the water hole and were waiting for the wagons to come and have a rest. If they were not at the water hole he would send men out to have a look for them.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, story-wise.

It has potencial, but I'm curious of what you are going to do with it . Im not much of a previewer (more of a reviewer), so thats what I can think of.

I don't think the quality of writing is that bad. Just some polishing and it's cool.

Umm, have you written any novels before?

[Anonymous]

Nope, and trust me I know what I am going to do with it. You have only seen a fraction of what I have done. I have about 95 A4 pages done, and this was about 2.

[Anonymous]

Cool .

If it gets good, and somehow gets available in Norway I'll buy it .

[Anonymous]

I am going to contiue posting it anyways. I will stop after a while, as I havn't had much time recently to write it, but anyway....

[Anonymous]

Well keep in mind this part of the story is building up to whatever Ajax has in mind for how it wants it to transpire. So far, I like the plot and how you've put alot of detail into describing Calicar, reminds me of Tolkien in some ways. By the way, I love Tolkien, his books rock and should be read by anyone who hasn't read them. All in all, I like it so far Ajax I would need to see more to see if there would be any room for improvement or not. :mrgreen: